I know more than the Doctors

I just spent some time uploading photos of me to my facebook and I was struck with a thought. Wow. Some of these photos from high school and middle school (ones I didn't post on facebook) I look so angry or just plain unhappy. I know I had depression stuff back then, I mean what girl going through puberty didn't. But I also know that some of those photos were taken when I was feeling pretty darn good about myself. Do you know what that means? I thought I looked pretty cool. I thought I looked cool! OMG I thought I looked cool with that lame attempt at a smoldering look on my face. Or that one when I think I'm attempting to look aloof and thoughtful. This is sad. 

What's really got me sad right now is my state of health. I'm having back pain, woopty doo dah. The ER put me on steroids, 2 different kinds of pain killers and a muscle relaxer and told me to see a back specialist to get MRI's and see if I have a slipped disc or some such silliness. I'm all for taking a break and relaxing for a few days, even though the drugs are giving me the weirdest dreams EVER. But missing so much work and all this talk about long term care and possible surgery? As far as I'm concerned lets just deal with the facts. I'm fat. Yep I said it. I'm fat. Seriously, I am twice the weight I should be! I'm physically the weight of like 2 people! That's whats wrong with my back. I don't need an MRI or surgery or anything special. Give me a couple days rest and then damn it all let me starve myself and workout until I loose the weight and watch the back pain disappear. That's my thought anyways. No one seems to agree with me.

I'm 28 years old. I'm starting to feel old but I'm not old and I'm so not ready to even accept that I'm an adult yet. I feel like life has only begun and yet death is just around that corner. That is so not acceptable. Yes I have this overwhelming fear of getting older. Some huge part of me believes that 30 is over the hill. Yes I do remember having that feeling when 25 was looming up on me, but this is worse. I'm getting older and yet I'm still overweight, I don't have a college degree, I haven't accomplished anything that I wanted to. Seriously, I found a list of things/goals I wanted to accomplish by 25. I haven't done any of them!