I went to the gym tonight. I was tired but I figured what the heck I can do just 30minuets. It's JUST 30 minutes. I took care of my horse and dragged myself to the gym. Check in time. I double checked with the front desk when the wet room was going to close. I've been getting a lot of headaches lately due to major tension in my neck and shoulders so I figured a nice soak in the hot tub after my work out would be just the thing. I walked into the gym and there was a size 0 putting on her sexy panties and bra and strutting around the locker room getting ready to leave.
"Deep breaths" I told myself. "One day I'll get there. I used to be what, 170? No problem I can totally do this." I tried to ignore the two girls weighing themselves and complaining about being over 130 as I got ready. I finished changing in the restroom stall. But seriously, no sweat, one day I'll be there to. The power of positive thinking you know.
I filled my liter water bottle full and then chided myself for doing that. I never drink more then an ounce or two anyways but what the heck. I had to get out of the locker room and on the treadmill. Just 30 minutes ya know. Totally do-able. Ipod in hand and too heavy water bottle in the other, I headed up the stairs to the treadmills nodding a hello to the front desk staff. My normal treadmill was in use. You know you all have that perfect one. Mine was across from the windows that stared out onto the road and across that to an open field, mountains and the famous mendenhall glacier. It was my perfect treadmill. When it's dark outside, like it is right now. I just see my reflection in the single pane window that seems to frame me perfectly. I can stare at my shadow and send myself encouraging vibes. The TV was just right, the belt didn't squeak and I couldn't see the door really easy so I didn't get distracted by people watching who was coming and going and comparing myself to them. But no, that perfect treadmill was being used by a surprisingly fit man old enough to be my grandfather. So were the treadmills on either side. So I walked 2 away from the stairs and used that treadmill. :( It wasn't nearly as good as mine. And I found myself distracted by the people coming and going and walking up and down the stairs. The girl and guy on the elipticles near by giggling and talking in not so quite voices.
I was still trying to be positive so I put in my earphones and turned on my gym mix, turning it up until it drowned out all the sound around me. I set the treadmill for 3 miles an hour for 30 minutes and started channel surfing for something I could rest my eyes on. Family Guy. Dear God seriously? Oh well, it was colorful enough to keep my eyes on and stupid enough that I wouldn't actually get caught up in it and distracted.
It felt like the longest 30 minutes of my life. After 5 minutes I couldn't keep up the pase and had to drop down to 2 miles an hour. Slowly over the half hour period I increased until I was painfully trying to do 2.7 miles an hour. Sooo slow, do you remember the days when 3.5 miles an hour was unbearably slow to me? I felt like crying. My throat kept getting dry, good thing I had all that water. I sipped it a couple times and tried not to drool on myself. My back hurt, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, my thighs hurt (what the hell?), my butt hurt (same question), my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt and my head was starting to hurt. Shoulders back, head up, deep breaths, oh look I still had 10 more minutes.
I huffed and puffed and sweated my way through 30 minutes. I defiantly wasn't going to do anything after. Remember the days when 30 on the treadmill was just my warm up? half jog, part walk and part run. What happened? Fat, fat happened. To much food, Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. I dreamed of getting in that hot tub and letting my cares and aches just wash away.
I hobbled down the stairs and into the locker room, where I drank half my liter of water and still felt thirsty. Thank God it was over. Ever inch of me hurt, which I just couldn't understand I mean seriously? I walked on a treadmill at 1% incline for 30 minutes! How lame is that!?! After everyone cleared out of the locker room I pulled out my swim suit. Oh yeah, hot tub here I come. Nice relaxing...wtf? I wiggled, squirmed, yanked and cried my way into my too tight too small swim suit. The humiliation wasn't over, the pain wasn't over. Wow life sucked.
I spent too much time in front of the mirror at that point. Criticizing everything I saw. Gone was the positive uplifting talk, gone was anything positive. I was fat and ugly and life sucked rotten eggs. I shuffled my way into the hot tub trying to visualize anything but what I had just seen in the mirror. 10 minutes later, this fat red lobster got out. More crying in the shower stall as I painfully got myself out of the swim suit. It was finally over, I'm going home and snuggling with a fluffy dog, or something. Anything/anywhere but here.
Not quiet. The other half of the liter of water drank. I sucked myself into my too tight pants and ripped my too tight shirt. I slipped my shoes on without tying them and headed out through the slush, snow and rain, in the dark to my breaking down car.
Worse work out ever.
Whats really funny about all of this. I feel more motivated then ever. I will NOT live like this anymore. I can't. This isn't a life.
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