Day 4 -Confidence where did you come from?

Its a beautiful day in Juneau. I made a crock pot stew for the first time in my life, spent hours listening to the IIN March Conference live on my lap top, and got great information. I even took Freya for a walk on the beach. The tide was up high, there were dogs everywhere and it was freezing cold and bright and sunny out.

Life seems so much different these days. Cooking food, learning new things, getting clients for my business, exploring new places and people with a dog at my side. These are the kinds of things I haven't done much of in years. They used to be an every day part of my life. Zeus and I would explore everywhere and introduce ourselves to random strangers who would later become my best friends. (Here's a shout out to Lydia, my best friend and soul sister who was met when I used to be confident and go out of my way to introduce myself to perfect strangers. Who knows what she was thinking when I introduced myself to her). But that was years ago and over the last 6 years I've lost confidence in myself, gained a lot of weight and discovered that staying home and reading my books was better then being outside. Which is such total nonsense I LOVE being outside and I love reading books. One of those shouldn't have come to dominate the other. But I lost my confidence in myself and everything I do and I allowed life events to lower my self esteem dramatically.

Things are changing, for the better. Today I walked Freya on the beach. No thought to it, just grabbed the dog, ran my eron (how the heck to you spell that?) and hit the freezing cold beach before heading home to school work and prepping for client meetings this week. No worries, no fears, no negative self talk. Just enjoying the moment, enjoying life. It was beautiful. While I mentally feel like I should go walk/run/job 10 miles like I used to with Zeus, I physically can only do a lot less then that. And that's ok. That's a huge step for me today. Realizing that its ok to do what I can do. One day I'll be there again. Walking my dogs, hiking my dogs, running my dogs, up and over mountains, all times of the day and night, by myself and with friends. But right now, I can't do that and that's ok. That's perfectly fine. What I can do is wonderful and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it and before I know it, I'll be able to do what I used to do, and I'll enjoy every moment of that to :)

Freya enjoying sunshine and watching the scary little dogs run on the beach.

Day 3 - oh crap

Today is the first day of a conference for IIN, and of course they're on Eastern standard time. So when they start at 10am its 6am in Alaska. I got up right at 6 this morning and hobbled half awake to boot up my laptop and join the conference from afar. Heartburn was bugging me so I suffered through some tums as I blinked wearily at my screen and logged on.  Taking a moment to be paranoid and put a cover on my webcam, I grabbed my water bottle and rinsed my mouth of the horrible after taste of tums. I don't know what was wrong with me as a kid that I thought those things tasted great. As I connected to the conference and slowly woke up it hit me. Yay I can take my pill and poof like magic I'll feel better and then in an hour I could eat breakfast and man today is just going to be a great freaking day. Oh crap. I took tums already. Did you know that you have to wait at least 4 hours after taking the thyroid meds in order to take an antacid? Double crap, I bet that means I have to wait 4 hours now before I can take my thyroid meds and I have to take them on an empty stomach. So a minimum of 2 hours after I eat and I can't eat for at least an hour after taking my meds. What the heck do I do now....great start to the day. :( bummer I don't want to eat until I take my pill but I just took tums...yep, i hate tums. Stupid heartburn

Day 2 on Thyroid Meds

Bummer, not feeling as awesome as yesterday but hey that's soo my fault. I was feeling so great yesterday I decided to eat some candy hearts full of chemicals, because I felt good and they tasted good. Not thinking about the fact that all the food dyes in them give me food allergy migraines.  Despite the pain in my head, I still feel better then normal. I just don't feel like doing anything. However I discovered that once I killed the light in my office and closed the blinds and stopped trying to move around much, I was able to function pretty normally the rest of the day! Which never happens with my food allergy migraines. Those things lay me up, barily able to do ANYTHING for 3 days. I mean no sound, no light and good god stay away from me, I spend as much time as I can laying in bed feeling truly miserable.


Yesterday I posted on facebook about how great I was feeling and got a lot of "I'm jealous" responses. I was shocked that so many of my friends had been experiencing thyroid issues and I never knew. In the process a friend told me about how all her thyroid tests had come back normal so she is only trying a thyroid supplement and it only lets her feel a little better. All of my tests for YEARS have come back in the normal range, but I have symptoms of hypothyroidism. I even have a huge goiter that causes me all sorts of problems. I've had ultra sounds done and seen a specialist. I hated that specialist. He sat for an hour at his computer and typed away and finally responded with telling me that when my thyroid got so large it was having serious issues functioning, then he would have it taken out and put me on medicine for the rest of my life. That's it. That's what came out of the hour session with a specialist. That and a bill for over $500. Wow, so freaking ridiculous.  Oh and he told me because my metabolism was so slow if I wanted to lose weight I would have to starve myself and exercise a lot.  I ignored my thyroid stuff for a while after that.

In the last year I've ran into 2 strangers who started talking to me about thyroid issues. Why, because my goiter is so large that a blind person could see it in the dark. Ignorant people could see that my enlarged neck had nothing to do with me being so over weight. These people had had thyroid issues of their own and they both urged me to not give up. To keep looking for answers and trying things. One lady was so passionate about it because of her own negative experiences and it taking years for her to come up with answers and by then she had to get surgery and get hers removed and now shes stuck on meds for the rest of her life. In the past 3 months 2 of my co-workers have ended up having thyroid issues. One had thyroid cancer and had it removed and the other had to have a nodule removed as well. These things have started to scare me and made me really want to learn more about my thyroid issues before they got worse.

Through my studies at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition I've been learning that there are natural ways to heal your thyroid through things like nutrition, food, vitamin supplements. But it takes years and I was getting scared. I'll explain another time why it takes time. But for now, think on this, if took years for your body to be damaged so why wouldn't it take years for it to heal?!? So tests, more tests but this time through an integrative wellness nurse. Who looks at things from all different angles and not just what the tests show. We did more blood work and will be doing another ultra sound and a symptom write up and iodine tests. After much research, testing and talking we decided to put me on a low dose of a hypothyroid medicine and see how I respond. This is a TEMPORARY  thing. I will not be on meds for the rest of my life. But if the response is good then it helps me get my life back on track and then I will be able to start naturally healing myself. Some of you have no idea how hard it is to function in this state. So my immediate response has been good. We'll see what my blood work says in a couple weeks after being on the meds. And the results of the updated ultra sound.

So my advice to you. Don't give up. Keep learning and researching and pushing to find answers. We only live once and its worth it to have the best life we can.

Thyroid Meds Day 1

I'm on top of the world!
That is how I've felt all day. I can't remember feeling so well. I have more energy that I can imagine but its not "too" much you know. I feel like I can do anything I want to do. I'm more focused, not so foggy and slow. Normally I crash after every meal and right after work. Naps are my best friend but sometimes they just don't revive me enough to function like a human being. I've put off medication for years. I don't want medication. I hate being on pills and I'm not good about remembering to take them. I've been told that once your thyroid is messed up, it's messed up for life. But I'm learning that isn't true. Don't always believe what one health professional tells you. Do some research of your own and become well educated. New information is always coming out and the person you're seeing might not know. But they also might know things you wont find easy so make sure to talk to them about what you're reading and learning.

Back in black...or maybe pink

I was going to Yoga class. Finally! I've only said I would make it to class and not made it for over a year now. I have the gym membership and the couple times I've been to the class I've enjoyed it. But it's been over a year and I'm in worse shape then I was last time. But this time I wasn't going to let anything stop me. The clothes were clean and I finally had a working vehicle so I wasn't limited to the bus schedule or someone else's schedule. I was feeling good. My hair was in a pony tail, I had my yoga pants on and a comfortable tank top that went down over my hips so it wouldn't be showing off my fat to anyone else in class. I took a moment to check myself in the mirror. CRINGE Oh my god I was wearing a lot of black! Black yoga pants and the black tank top. The only saving grace was that my black sports bras are too tight now so I'd gone with a teal one. Which matched the teal on my black and teal tennis shoes.

I found myself frowning at the mirror. I understand wearing black when you're hugly overweight like I am. Black is slimming right?!? Bah hummbug this black was not making me look slimming. In fact if was feeling rather depressing. I'd thought that I've been doing better moving away from the all black thing I did in high school. I had started to add some white and moved on to blue while I was in high school. Over the last 10 years I've slowly added other colors into the mix. It was rather shocking to see myself in all black again. But I wasn't in all black. Not really. I had the teal bra poking out and the teal on my shoes that would be kicked off at the door. But my black yoga pants also had a pink stripe at the waist. Ah ha! I have colors on! With that smile of satisfaction the bounce came back into my step as I headed off to Yoga class.

But on my way to class I started to laugh. How could I have possibly thought I had to much black on. Look around me. I have my pink bag, with my pink water bottle and my pink yoga mat. I also was wearing a pink jacket. Oh my god when did I change from all black to all pink! PINK! of all colors. Once again the only saving grace was that teal sports bra peeking out. After all, I had chosen the teal one over the pink one because it was closer and I needed to get out the door without any more excuses. Because by golly I was going to make it to that damned Yoga class if it killed me. But now, I did it in pink. Oh if my friends from high school could see me now...

Health Forum Day

It's Saturday October 19th and you know what that means. Health Forum Day! I love this day. I look forward to it every year. I change my work schedule for it. I plan for it a year in advance. The Cancer Connection of Juneau has put on two health forums a year for as long as I've known about it (5 years and I don't know how long they've actually done it) In April they do a Men's Health Forum that I've been trying to convince my husband to go to for years. In October they do a Women's Health Forum that I've attended a few times.

I love love LOVE the women's health forum. Even if the topic isn't something you originally think will interest you, you always walk away with great things and vast amounts of awesome relevant information that you use over the next year to improve your health and those of others. Even if the topic isn't something you want, you go for the booths. Over a dozen booths are set up by different companies around Juneau from fitness places, to wellness places. Chiropractors, Public Health, Yoga Studios, Massage Offices, Community Health Groups. There is something for everyone. I love the booths. I always leave with a bag full of goodies and a pile of information that I spend the next year and years after, sharing with my friends and family and well basically anyone who'll listen to me. I always learn valuable things at those booths. Things that I take when me and retain for years. Like adding different vitamins into my diet and why. I make contacts that I keep for years at those booths and I find out about great community resources.

Last fall my husband decided that he would be interested in attending the Men's Health Forum this year and I looked about for information on the date and topic up the forum. No matter where I looked, I couldn't find any information. I finally talked to someone from cancer connection who told me they were combining the two forums into one community health forum this year in hopes of getting a better attendance. I was surprised by this news. The women's health forum was always backed with every chair full and every meal taken (they always provide a free healthy lunch). The hallways and entrance way was always packed and you usually had to stand in line for some of the better booths. Like the one last year that did a complete body assessment for free. They even gave you a print out that told you about your body fat percentage and your hydration level. It was awesome. But I had heard before that the men's health forum just doesn't get as good attendance so on one level I could understand why they would combine them. So, no problem, my husband was perfectly happy at the thought of joining me for the health forum come October.

We put the date in both our schedules and went about recruiting friends to join us. I was so excited. I would be going with a group of like minded people who wanted to learn more about health. We changed work schedules around and worked family events around the upcoming health forum. We even got a couple family members excited to join us. I talked about my plans to have a booth at the one in 2014 representing my health coaching business that I'll have by then. I added it to my goals and started putting together a support group who would assist me with it in 2014.

As the date got nearer I started really looking for information. What was this year's topic? Were their going to be new booths this year and by who. Who was the speaker this year? Every year they bring up someone from down south and you can google them and find out more about them, their knowledge and their history. I was finally able to track down the topic. "The Importance of Cancer Screening: Why you should get tested and when" Ooook. Well that wasn't something I was interested in. I'm 30. But hey they always have good information you take away and maybe a future client could use something I'll learn there. So the health forum was still on.

Knowing how I felt about the topic I figured other people my age will feel the same way. So as I spread the message about the upcoming event I made sure to remind people to go anyways. They would get something helpful in the lecture but they should really go for the booths. They would get a lot of great information from the booths and then stay for the lecture and get a free healthy lunch. That is what really got the guys. They would sit with the other guys and get a free meal and maybe pick up some good information along the way.

This year I gave up my dream of going to the Alaska Day Festival in Sitka with my drumming group. My husband also almost gave up an opportunity to drive a really cool vehicle he got special training for from the military in the Alaska Day Parade. It was a big deal for him to give up going to the health forum to volunteer to do that with the National Guard. But we decided it would be better for him to do that and come to the health forum with my next year. I would take a ton of notes and share it with him when he got back. Then the government shutdown happened and they cancelled the Sitka trip. He was once again excited to be joining me at the health forum.This was a pretty big deal. My husband never wants to join me in my pursuit of health knowledge, he supports it but he doesn't want to sit on his butt during a lecture that will probably bore him.

Today dawned dark and dreary. We heard the rain pouring down before we even got out of bed. One person cancelled joining us. But that wouldn't stop our joy. We got up and got dressed. Eating a light breakfast. We packed our water bottles and I reorganized my purse to make sure I would have pens and a notebook to take the tons of notes I was sure I would be taking. A couple plans changed and we picked up my younger brother on the drive downtown. There was excitement on the car ride and not just for the game the guys were talking about during the drive.

We pulled up at Centennial Hall and looked around confused. There weren't many cars there. They had changed the time of the forum this year. Instead of 10-3 it was 11:30-2. I thought that was really odd. In the past I would get there at 10 and still barely have time to get through all the booths I wanted to and get a set before the lecture started. I always end up sitting in the back. It's not like I ask a lot of questions or talk to them a lot. I just like to see all the information that is presented. So I was worried about only getting to check out a few booths this year before the lecture. I was also curious why there were two key note speakers instead of one and both of them were local doctors not some specialist from down south.

We crawled out of the car and headed into the building. We opened the doors and I stopped to look around. Usually you can hear the roar of the crowd before you open the doors but there was a mere quiet murmuring coming from the distance. The entrance way was empty of booths. OK. Maybe they had less booths this year because the topic would have a smaller turn out AND they didn't have as much time. We wondered on, my notebook clutched to my chest, my cheeks pink with excitement. I couldn't wait to greet old friends and make new friends and see what this year's venue was.

We walked into the main entrance room and looked around puzzled. I understood why the  majority of the crowd was of an older generation. The topic would appeal to them and a number of them were into health and nutrition. What I didn't understand was why there were so few people and why there was only the one table by the doors to the lecture hall. The table belonged to cancer connection and they just had a few things on it. A donation box, a couple brochures and the pamphlet that said what was being served for lunch.

We strolled to a corner of the room and looked around disappointed. They guys immediately told me they were ready to go. They had mostly come for the booths and the free lunch and without the booths, the lunch just wasn't much of a draw since the topic wasn't one that interested us much.  Part of me wanted to stay. Surely there would be something good to know from the lectures. But most of me was confused where were all the booths? Where was everyone? I waited for a break in the almost non existent crowd and went over to the table to ask the people manning it about things.

They polity informed me that since a lot of those booths were represented at the city health thing that goes on (what city health thing?) and a lot of the same people attend that and get free health screenings (free health screenings? thats the thing that is mostly put on by the hospital. I went to it once, there was no free health screenings. Every itty bitty thing costs money. Anywhere from $10 to $170. I didn't get anything valuable out of that thing and I've never gone back. I've also never heard anything positive from anyone about the event) Also the space they use for the events costs money and since they're depended on things like donations they want to spend that money on other things like the apartment. This last bit about the apartment was rather pointedly and defensively said to me.

Now I understand that they're a not for profit and that funds are small because of the recession and all. And Cancer Connection does a lot of other good things. The apartment thing mentioned is this apartment they rent in Seattle for people and their families when they're going through Cancer treatment. It costs so much money to fly people out of Juneau down to Seattle and make them stay there for so long to get treatment. It's great that Cancer Connection has that apartment there for them that helps lesson the cost and stress of the families going through that horrible thing. That is a great great thing that they do. But no men's health forum, no booths full of information, no out of town great speaker and not even a topic that is going to appeal to a lot of people. Oh and no mention anywhere that for format was going to be different then how they've done it in the past. I was, am still so increadibly dissapointed.

I feel like I wasted my time and the time of others. I also feel like a fraud. I told people to go to the event even though they might not be interested in the topic. Go, I said, Go and meet the people at the booths and listen to the lecture. You'll get something good out of it, I promise. That's right, I promised people. I don't make promises unless I keep them. I believe that promises should only be made if you will keep them no matter what. Except if you die.

So I'm terribly disappointed and I'm not ashamed to say that I left. Why would I stay? Because I might, just might get some kind of information that I'll appreciate in the future, or that someone else will. Well blah. I'm going home, I'm venting online and I'm taking this thing out of next year's schedule. If the topic looks good, I'll go. I might even suffer through the stupid non-city city health thingy. Maybe.

Dietbet

I've never done a diet bet before. I only recently heard about them from one of the people I follow on facebook who've lost a lot of weight. Now another person I follow on facebook who's lost over 200 pounds is starting a diet bet. So I joined. Me and my impulses. Well maybe it'll help motivate me to do it. Anyone feel like joining me? Heres the link to the facebook of the person who set it up. It's open to anyone to sign up.

From Fat to Fit Chick