Dealing with pain

I don't deal with pain and loss very well and this weekend I had to put my horse down. I knew this was coming for a couple months but I've been fighting the decision and on one level I know it was the right choice but on another I feel like I should have done more. I can't think about it or I fall apart. So I've been finding ways to distract myself from it. Like through exercise.

This weekend I went to the gym and worked out and I practiced bellydancing at home...a lot. I have managed to hurt my ankle and my back enough that I had to take some prescription pain meds to sleep last night. And I still didn't sleep well. Waking up constantly, having odd dreams. Its been like this for a week, that lack of sleep. Big surprise right?

To deal with the pain and loss, or not deal with it really. I keep myself busy. I exercise, practice bellydancing, clean, exercise, clean, bellydance, clean. If I do sit down for a moment the TV has to be going and I have to be reading a book and a magazine and watching the game my husband is playing on his lap top and brushing the shedding hair from one of my huskies and cleaning and studying and brain storming for project ideas. How long can I keep up this pace on little sleep? If I stop for a second, if I let me mind wonder for even a moment. I break down, fall apart.

Not getting better

I didn't sleep well last night. My husband is with the National Guard and he is currently in Cordova helping dig the town out after massive amounts of snow. I have trust issues. Hey there's something a lot of people can say. Anywho, I don't sleep well unless I feel safe. I spent 8 1/2 years with my baby boy. My big husky/wolf/lab dog. I felt safe with him. We used to go hiking at 3am in bear country and I never once worried. As long as Zeus was with me I felt safe. Well Zeus has been gone for 2 years now, or almost 2 years. It'll be 2 years on the 30th. When my husband is gone I don't sleep very well because I don't feel safe. Even with 3 large dogs in the home. Although seeing as Ares is still under 60 pounds I have a hard time calling him a "large dog" plus he's just a puppy still and none of the dogs I currently have are of Zeus' calabur. His sister is pretty good though. She's only 90 pounds where he was 110 to 120.

This is now where I wanted this to go though. I'm really tired and I'm going to go take a nap. I'll write more later.