Not happy with blog

I created a bellydancing journey blog that I've been ticking away at for a couple months. Just a few posts here and there. But now that I'm really getting into things I'm wanting to personalize my site more. I've been using blog.com for that blog and now that I'm trying to personalize things I am NOT happy. I don't know if it's just me but I find it confusing to do anything on that thing except for post blogs and even then it's not looking the way I would like it to look. So the place is hard to navigate and their aren't  a lot of options for personalizing things. Like you can choose from a number of their themes but to actually do your own banners and changing the layout and stuff, nope, notta unless you are willing to pay. The cheapest is $15 a year but thats just to basically add your own top/title banner. Thats it. Thats all you get. If you want different things the price goes up from there.

I like the set up here on blogger.com so much better. I can' change the layouts, there are themes sure, but you can really really customize them. My own background photo, my profile photo shows up. You can add pages that are really just links to other websites or you can have new pages to do whatever you want with them. Like I'm thinking of changing my bellydancing blog to here instead of just linking it. Or better yet, I could create a blog on blogger for the bellydance journey. Or something. I'm just gripping right now ~sigh~

Sad Dream

So I had this dream last night. Have you ever had those dreams where when you wake up you're still not quite sure if you're awake? Well this wasn't one of them :) When I woke up I knew I was awake. But the feelings for the dream stayed with me. Vividly. I have spent all morning trying to shake the overwhelming saddness I felt when I woke up this morning. The dream has to do with something bad that happened in the past. But in the dream it was happening again. Not the same way, not all the same people. But an emotional mess all the same.

I can't help but wondering about that. How is it that we can wake up from dreams and still have the feelings from what happen in the dream like it had really happened. I feel like I really experienced all the ups and downs of that dream. I'm so sad from what happened even though it didn't really happen. I still can't shake the saddness and no amount of joking with friends, family and co-workers today is shaking that saddness. Which sucks because it's not such a bad day, you know. I brought Freya with me to work and she is all playful and snuggly. Even though my boss is out of town and I have a million things to do I'm steadily working through my list getting things done one at a time. I don't feel overwhelmed by it. The horse is don't ok and even though I'm going to have to put him down soon I'm not really having to face that decision today. And the weather isn't that bad.

Freya enjoying her day at work.

Wow. What a concept to think about.

Co-worker vent

I have this co-worker. She is by far the worse employee I've ever had to work with. Late every day, takes late lunches, either leaves early or stays late with the dumb excuse that she is making up time (which we're NOT allowed to do) and working even though she doesn't actually work. And while she's at work she doesn't work. Next to never. When she does work she does a half ass job about it. Period. She doesn't care about her work, makes 100 mistakes a day, seriously, I'm not even extravigating. And then she likes to rant and rave about what an amazing employee she is and how no one treats her right but she is just so damned good at her job. I was hired at this job because she wasn't doing her job. i work for a not for profit organization and they didn't have money for another position. They hired me anyways. Thinking that she has too much stress in her every day life to do her job and that with hiring me to take some of the work load she'll get better.

Next month it'll have been a full year here. I'm leaving. I'm finding another job. They've given her numrous warnings but there's no way they will ever fire her and I'm tired of her acting like only she knows everything and best and no one is as good as her. She has next to no stress in her life. She goes out drinking and partying a couple nights a week and comes in hung over, once again, not doing her work. I know what some of you are thinking. Ah with the labor laws being the way they are my employer has to have solid proof for fireing her. We have an electronic time clock that scans your fingerprint to clock in and out. We have camera's throughout the whole building that record every minute of every day. Our work phones record every single conversation (she makes lots of personal phone calls), our computers record every thing we do. Which she spends most of her time on facebook, match sites and emailing her friends. So they have hours and hours of recorded evedince including physical right ups on her.

A couple months ago I said I've had enough. I spoke with my supervisor and the main boss and said I was going to start applying for other jobs because I couldn't deal with doing 80-95% of the work. They both agreed that yes I do do 80 - 95% of the work. They asked me to not start looking and give them a chance. They would talk to her and get her to straighten up her act. If it came down to it they would choose me as an employee over her. Well it's been a couple months, she actually kind of did her job for a couple weeks. Then she went back to just as bad as before, then worse and now she has taken up smoking and seems to think that entitles her to disappearing for 4-8 15minute breaks a day. I am sooo done with this.

Is it over?

I went to the gym tonight. I was tired but I figured what the heck I can do just 30minuets. It's JUST 30 minutes. I took care of my horse and dragged myself to the gym. Check in time. I double checked with the front desk when the wet room was going to close. I've been getting a lot of headaches lately due to major tension in my neck and shoulders so I figured a nice soak in the hot tub after my work out would be just the thing. I walked into the gym and there was a size 0 putting on her sexy panties and bra and strutting around the locker room getting ready to leave.

"Deep breaths" I told myself. "One day I'll get there. I used to be what, 170? No problem I can totally do this." I tried to ignore the two girls weighing themselves and complaining about being over 130 as I got ready. I finished changing in the restroom stall. But seriously, no sweat, one day I'll be there to. The power of positive thinking you know.

I filled my liter water bottle full and then chided myself for doing that. I never drink more then an ounce or two anyways but what the heck. I had to get out of the locker room and on the treadmill. Just 30 minutes ya know. Totally do-able. Ipod in hand and too heavy water bottle in the other, I headed up the stairs to the treadmills nodding a hello to the front desk staff. My normal treadmill was in use. You know you all have that perfect one. Mine was across from the windows that stared out onto the road and across that to an open field, mountains and the famous mendenhall glacier. It was my perfect treadmill. When it's dark outside, like it is right now. I just see my reflection in the single pane window that seems to frame me perfectly. I can stare at my shadow and send myself encouraging vibes. The TV was just right, the belt didn't squeak and I couldn't see the door really easy so I didn't get distracted by people watching who was coming and going and comparing myself to them. But no, that perfect treadmill was being used by a surprisingly fit man old enough to be my grandfather. So were the treadmills on either side. So I walked 2 away from the stairs and used that treadmill. :( It wasn't nearly as good as mine. And I found myself distracted by the people coming and going and walking up and down the stairs. The girl and guy on the elipticles near by giggling and talking in not so quite voices.

I was still trying to be positive so I put in my earphones and turned on my gym mix, turning it up until it drowned out all the sound around me. I set the treadmill for 3 miles an hour for 30 minutes and started channel surfing for something I could rest my eyes on. Family Guy. Dear God seriously? Oh well, it was colorful enough to keep my eyes on and stupid enough that I wouldn't actually get caught up in it and distracted.

It felt like the longest 30 minutes of my life. After 5 minutes I couldn't keep up the pase and had to drop down to 2 miles an hour. Slowly over the half hour period I increased until I was painfully trying to do 2.7 miles an hour. Sooo slow, do you remember the days when 3.5 miles an hour was unbearably slow to me? I felt like crying. My throat kept getting dry, good thing I had all that water. I sipped it a couple times and tried not to drool on myself. My back hurt, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, my thighs hurt (what the hell?), my butt hurt (same question), my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt and my head was starting to hurt. Shoulders back, head up, deep breaths, oh look I still had 10 more minutes.

I huffed and puffed and sweated my way through 30 minutes. I defiantly wasn't going to do anything after. Remember the days when 30 on the treadmill was just my warm up? half jog, part walk and part run. What happened? Fat, fat happened. To much food, Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. I dreamed of getting in that hot tub and letting my cares and aches just wash away.

I hobbled down the stairs and into the locker room, where I drank half my liter of water and still felt thirsty. Thank God it was over. Ever inch of me hurt, which I just couldn't understand I mean seriously? I walked on a treadmill at 1% incline for 30 minutes! How lame is that!?! After everyone cleared out of the locker room I pulled out my swim suit. Oh yeah, hot tub here I come. Nice relaxing...wtf? I wiggled, squirmed, yanked and cried my way into my too tight too small swim suit. The humiliation wasn't over, the pain wasn't over. Wow life sucked.

I spent too much time in front of the mirror at that point. Criticizing everything I saw. Gone was the positive uplifting talk, gone was anything positive. I was fat and ugly and life sucked rotten eggs. I shuffled my way into the hot tub trying to visualize anything but what I had just seen in the mirror. 10 minutes later, this fat red lobster got out. More crying in the shower stall as I painfully got myself out of the swim suit. It was finally over, I'm going home and snuggling with a fluffy dog, or something. Anything/anywhere but here.

Not quiet. The other half of the liter of water drank. I sucked myself into my too tight pants and ripped my too tight shirt. I slipped my shoes on without tying them and headed out through the slush, snow and rain, in the dark to my breaking down car.

Worse work out ever.

Whats really funny about all of this. I feel more motivated then ever. I will NOT live like this anymore. I can't. This isn't a life.

All that Jazz

I was in Jazz Chior in high school and i loved it. Belting out music that made you want to tap your feet and bounce too. Music you could really Sing sing. Sparkly vest and bow tie in shimmering red. White tuxedo shirt. Black dress pants with shinny black stripes down the sides. Oh yeah.

When I was in college I took this uper division english class and during part of the class we listened to Jazz and wrote. Poetry, short stories, really anything that was brought to mind by the Jazz class. I loved and totally adored my english teacher Ms Easley. She was smart and articulate. She wrote poetry, short stories and stuff about history and literature AND she drove a Mustang. In short she was everything I wanted to be one day. The class was awesome but I realize now that I didn't nearly appriciate it.

I didn't like Jazz, or so I said. But honestly I never gave it a chance. I was so focused on not be a stereo typical black person and shying away from anything that catagorized me as that. Which is a whole different story. So I didn't give Jazz a chance. Not just that but I was rude and angry. I wrote about how listening to the Jazz made me want to rip off my ears or other such stupid nonsince crap. My professor loved Jazz and was sharing something she enjoyed with the students and I was a angry, self centered, heartless child who thought the world revolved around me and never thought about who i might be effecting. I wish I could find that teacher that I looked up to so much and appologize to her.

New Year's Resolutions: What happened to yours?

Today is Wednesday February 22nd, 2012. I just got done explaining this to a customer when it really hit me. It's almost the end of February! Didn't I have some resolutions to work on?

I remember making a vow to myself that I would take a look at those resolutions once every week to remind myself to work on those. I felt so proud of myself because I knew at the end of the year I would look back and feel proud about the changes I've made this last year. When was the last time I looked at those? I have no clue. Its been so long I can't remember. What were those resolutions? I remember there being something about setting myself weekly mini goals to help keep me going. Little things I know I can do but I just need to work at more. Things that aren't hard but that make a difference. At the end of the week you look back on those goals and think. Yeah, I did that. You feel confident and like there are many more things that you can do. Those little goals you get done each week help motivate you, keep you motivated and make you feel good about yourself and what you can do. One baby step at a time.

So I've missed at least the whole past month. I haven't been working on my resolutions. Are you feeling the same? You know what I realize? It's never too late to start over. Or to jump back on that train. I'm going to pull out that list tonight and look back over it. Make a few little goals for the rest of the week. I'm going to type of those resolutions and post them everywhere. If I'm not looking at them, I'm not thinking about them and therefore I'm not doing them. So I challenge you. Go find those resolutions, remember those resolutions or create new ones. But make a commitment to get back on track. Put them up in places where you'll see them all the time. On the dash of your car, on your bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator. Every month is a new month, every week a new week, every day a new day and every hour is a new hour. You can start from this moment forward and if you forget or stop or slide backwards, thats ok. Just pick yourself up and start again. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.